I have no words

My husband decided to call his parents this evening. He usually talks to them once a week. I usually sit close by so I can interject anything that needs to be told or correct anything that needs to be corrected. Tonight he started the phone call with his dad. Asking the typical questions, telling the typical news of our family. Whichever parent he starts with he always ends with the other. These are the words that came out of his mouth:

"Okay dad. I love you too. (Pause - waiting for his dad to hand the phone over to his mom) Hi Carrie..I mean momCarrmom. Mom! I meant mom!"



Awesome.

I thought he wrote that...

We are singing "Why Walk When you Can Fly?" at church and I thought Andrew Peterson wrote the words. Nope...Mary Chapin Carpenter (Whom I love!) did. Huh?! Who knew?

Anyway...I love the words! Why walk when you can fly? It reminds me of Isaiah 40:31 which says:

"But those who hope in the LORD
will renew their strength.
They will soar on wings like eagles;
they will run and not grow weary,
they will walk and not be faint."

Here are the words to the song:

In this world there's a whole lot of trouble baby
In this world there's a whole lot of pain
In this world there's a whole lot of trouble but
A whole lot of ground to gain
Why take when you could be giving
Why watch as the world goes by
It's a hard enough life to be living
Why walk when you can fly

In this world there's a whole lot of sorrow
In this world there's a whole lot of shame
In this world there's a whole lot of sorrow
And a whole lot of ground to gain
When you spend you whole life wishing
Wanting and wondering why
It's a long enough life to be living
Why walk when you can fly

And in this world there's a whole lot of golden
In this world there's a whole lot of pain
In this world you've a soul for a compass
And a heart for a pair of wings
There's a star on the far horizon
Rising bright in an azure sky
For the rest of the time that you're given
Why walk when you can fly

Where did the time go?

I have just a few minutes before my family returns from putt-putting. Just a few minutes...time is such an oxymoron to me. A few minutes can be a short amount of time or forever. For example: today when I was working out one minute seemed FOREVER. Now that I want to type my thoughts down and send them out into the space that is our internet, one minute isn't enough time. Time allows for healing. Time allows us to forget. (which can be good or bad) I guess it all falls down to perspective.

Okay, so Sunday is Emma's tenth birthday. Ten years! Has it been that long?! I remember my mom warning me not to wish my life away (words falling onto the deaf ears of a teenage girl). That seemed like yesterday and now here I am, 33, two kids and one about to turn ten!

Allow me a few I remembers if you will...

I remember taking the pregnancy test. I remember watching the second pink line appear. I remember sitting dumbfounded on the toilet knowing my whole world was about to change. I remember telling my parents. I remember going to the doctor for the first time. I was afraid the test was correct and I was pregnant and I was afraid the test was wrong and I wasn't. (Weird I know) I remember watching my ultrasound and meeting Emma Kate for the first time. I remember hearing her heart beat. I remember Jake crying as they handed me my baby girl for the first time. I remember feeding her for the first time. I remember sleeping with her beside me. I didn't get much sleep that night. I think I woke up every few hours so I could place my hand close to her small mouth. I was so afraid she would stop breathing...I had to check!

I remember her first word, "dog". I remember her learning to walk. I remember her crying when they put the jelly on my stomach for my ultrasound with Abbie. I remember taking picnics and walks with her. I remember the first day of kindergarten. I remember her telling me about her dream of Jesus. I remember when she decided to become a Christ follower.

There are so many more, I don't have time for them all! Again...time. It goes by so quickly. I'm gonna blink and I'll have five more years of "I remembers". Soon, she will head off to middle school. Then there will be the first date, the first car, the first kiss. Soon, she will head off to college.

I love my baby girl! I so thankful God gave her to me for this time! My challenge: enjoy the time we have together now, save the "I remembers" for when she is gone.

My new favorite song

I have a new favorite song. I heard it on the radio the other morning. It brought me to tears. We all have a song that speaks to us at one point or another. A song that "sums up" our story. This is mine.




The artist is JJ Heller, the title is Your Hands

I have unanswered prayers
I have trouble I wish wasn’t there
And I have asked a thousand ways
That you would take my pain away
You would take my pain away

I am trying to understand
How to walk this weary land
Make straight the paths that crooked lie
Oh Lord, before these feet of mine
Oh Lord, before these feet of mine

When my world is shaking, heaven stands
When my heart is breaking
I never leave your hands

When you walked upon the earth
You healed the broken, lost and hurt
I know you hate to see me cry
One day you will set all things right
Yeah, one day you will set all things right

When my world is shaking, heaven stands
When my heart is breaking
I never leave your hands

Your hands that shaped the world
Are holding me
They hold me still

that sir, was a good question

A couple of thoughts from this mornings service...

First, a quote:
"One 'yes' means a thousand 'nos'"

When we say "yes" to Jesus, we have to say "no" to a thousand other things. No to judging others. No to rage. No to "fairness to me". No to jealousy. You get the point. I've never thought of it like this...


Second, we were asked to think about what teaching from the series "Turning a Big Ship" had the most impact on us. I think the teaching about "Looking Up" would be my choice. Like all human beings I have a hard time not thinking of myself first. I also look to myself, my friends, even society first when I am struggling. I need to learn to "look up".

Third another quote:

"Living a life of forgiveness is intentional." We need to stop "wishing" we were forgiving or loving or kind. We need to start being intentional about what we want. When the Israelites were ready to cross over the Jordan into the promised land, Moses spoke to them and reminded them of all that God had done for them. He also commanded them to remember his words. "They are not just idle words...they are your life" (Deut. 32:17) We need to take the words of Jesus to heart and put them into practice. These words are not just cute sayings to hang on our walls, or put in a greeting card. These words are life changing, life giving words.

whoops...I did it again

As I read back over my posts, I feel it is only fair that I balance them out occasionally with an oops moment or two.

Last night my husband and I were doing the bills. As we continue pounding out the numbers...he becomes quiet and pouty, sullen and distant. My immediate reaction is..."what did I do?" Being the great talker/communicator that he is, he replies, "nothing, nothing's wrong". And like a good wife, I left it alone. Nope.

I prod and plead, cry and sulk (better than him of course), trying anything I can think of to get him to talk. And of course that causes him to walk away from the conversation. Crap!

So immediately my mind starts churning. (This, ladies and gentleman, is NOT a good thing.) I am amazed that the ability and timing of Satan. Truly it is like the Bible says, "like a lion". Well, friend, this lion came pouncing. And I was the clueless gazelle unaware that I was about to get eaten.

Thoughts and fears I thought were long gone came swirling back up into my mind. I questioned everything from Jake's love for me to what if he's cheating again? (I know, it sounds sooo stupid as I type this, but in the middle of the night, when you're emotional...don't judge me.)

So, this morning he wakes up happy and I'm...well, let's just say I'm not happy. I ask him again what is wrong. He tells me it was a money issue and I loose it. I start bawling like a newborn baby fresh from the womb. Money?! Money?! MONEY?! It was all about money?!

I then proceed to tell him all my hell I went through. That was mistake number one. Mistake number two was when I uttered the words, "I thought you were cheating again." The look on his face was horrible.

Dang it!

I am learning to trust Jake again. Along with that trust, I think I'm gonna have to learn what is "normal" marriage stuff and what isn't. I honestly don't know. I've had nine years to perfect the dramatics of "woe is me". I'm not sure what the "correct" reaction to Jake is anymore.

God has done so much in my life. He has changed me greatly. I hate it when I mess up! I hate it when my first reaction is to go back to the pile of shit that was my life and not run to my Abba!
The nice thing about all this is...as I type this I have an overwhelming sense of peace. I know it's gonna be okay. I messed up. I'm a messy person. Who isn't? I'll take my dosage of grace for the day, apologize and try again. Maybe next time I won't be such easy prey for the lion.

parent letters

It's the end of my school year (can I get an amen?) and one of my "duties" is to compile all my parent letters and staple them together. Here are some of the more interesting ones. The names have been changed to protect the dumb:


Mrs. Perkinson,

Jack was absent because he had a dentist appointment. I've attached his note from the dentist.

Time in: 8:30 a.m. Time out: 9:25 a.m.

Jack missed the whole day of school.



Dear Mrs. Perkingson, (really - Perkingson?!)

Sally was out sick yestrday. She was thown up. (nice, how far did she go?)



Mrs. Perkinson (at least this one spelled my name correctly)

Caitlyn has a feaver (that's right fe-A-ver. Is that related to a Beaver?) I gave her medicin. If it comes back, call me. (Don't worry, I will)

And my favorite one of all...


Mrs. P,

Jeff was vomiting and had dyeherea all last night. (umm...T.M.I.) Please call me if he continues. (Again, don't worry...I will)


Sigh.