I'm back! After many moons of silence I've decided, once again, to plaster my thoughts across the world wide web.
Frankly, I'm ready to boycott Christmas. I'm tired of this "holiday". As a child it was my favorite, looking back I now see why. Ummm....the presents, the candy, the "what's in it for me?". Now I see the same looks on my children's faces. I hear the same words come out of their mouths. I now see I am raising a generation of self-focused, self-centered, the holiday is about me children!
Tonight my youngest was sitting on my bed "helping" me fold the laundry. She was very focused on folding a washcloth just so (for 10 minutes), when she looked up at me and asked, "Mommy, why am I here?"
"Think brain!" I hissed to myself. "Don't screw this up! You have an opportunity to be cool, to sound wise, to impress upon your daughter the wonders and mysteries of the universe. Don't mess this up!"
"Ummm..." I said, slowly looking up at her, my heart thumping loudly. "I don't know. What do you mean exactly here?" (Brilliant, I thought to myself as I rolled my eyes.)
"You know" she continued, dragging each word out slowly. "Why...am...I...here?" Then she looked at me pointedly. Like, come on mom. You can't be that slow. This is not a hard question.
"Because God loves you." Came a quick response. Safe, I told myself, pride filling my chest. That was a good, safe answer.
"I KNOW that one mom." Came an even quicker response. A look of disbelief crossed her face. Was her mom really that slow? I could see she was beginning to wonder. "But why did he put me here? You know, here at this time, at this place?" she asked again as she patted the bed.
My mouth dropped open a little. I didn't read about this moment in my What to Expect When You're Expecting book. A silent scream escaped my lips, sounding a lot like a sigh. What do I say to that one? I know! I'll divert her attention and throw in something sweet! Good plan! I congratulated myself.
"I don't know Abbs, that is one good question. Isn't there a cartoon on you want to watch? Want some hot chocolate with lots of marshmallows?"
Whew! Where do they come up with these questions?
But it got me thinking. Why are we here? Did God create humanity, send his son to be born, to walk in our shoes awhile, die, defeat death and return to Heaven so that we could make a holiday out of it? It's like God has started tapping me on the head at this time and saying, "Hey, remember me?" I don't think this is what he wants from us.
My natural self is fighting with my new self. Natural wants things to be like they always were. New, knows that's not possible and is pushing for something to change. Natural reminds me of all the upset that will happen if I say "no" to Christmas American style. New reminds me it's not about me.
So many questions swirling around in my brain! What do I do with this knowledge? What will my Christmas look like next year? How far do I go against my other half to push this? What am I teaching my children? Is this why Christmas is no longer joyful? Can I look at my Christmasness and say that I have followed Christ's example? Why am I here?
I hope that as the year progresses, as I head into a new year, that God will keep tapping my heart and asking, "Hey, remember me?"
