the most wonderful time of the year

  I used to love this time of year as a child.  What happened?!  

I know I'm not the only one that suffers from loosing the "magic" of Christmas.  I've talked with many people about this and all seem to wish to live in the past.  Wanting to recapture memories of their youth.  Why?

As I look at my Christmas holiday this year I find myself more on the Grinch side than the Holly and Jolly. Why?

I have no idea.  I have no sage advice.  I don't even know the correct questions to ask.

I know the story behind Christmas...I try to live it out everyday.  I know the "true meaning" of Christmas.  I know it's not about the gifts.   I know it comes every year.  I also know it comes with a lot of work.  Maybe that's what I'm growling about.  Christmas = LOTS of work.

I'll have to sit and ponder that one for a while...

I taught them in kindergarten

Here are a few pictures I took of some of my favorite people!  I've known these girls since the oldest was five!  I taught both of them when they were in kindergarten.  Now look at them, beautiful young ladies.  My how time flies!

Finished pictures - Tyson in the hospital

These are just some of my friend's new son!  The whole family was adorable to watch.  Especially big sister!  I think one of my favorites is the one where she's giving him love-ins.

Goldeneye

My husband surprised me with a Wii game last night.  James Bond - Goldeneye.  I must admit when Emma walked in through the garage door and announced Jake had bought something for me, I wasn't expecting a Wii game.  I couldn't believe he had remembered how much I like to play James Bond!  I was touched and surprised all at the same time!   I think he was embarrassed as he showed it to me.  It didn't help that my girls small group was sitting around the kitchen table watching.  :)

When we were first married we used to go to a friend's house and play James Bond for hours.  There were four of us and four controllers.  Looking back on it, I can't believe we played on such a small TV!  I guess for the time back then it was "big".  With what we have now, the screen seems so small!  Anywhoo....

We stayed up until ten shooting at each other.  (I know ten isn't THAT late in the adult world.  However, I am usually in bed asleep by then on a school night.)  It was so much fun!  The game was also a lot harder than I remember it.  I think I need to get used to the controllers again.  I also think I need to find someone else to play against that hasn't had military training.  During our last game, Jake parked his character on top of a roof and played the role of sniper quite well.  Hmmmm...makes me wonder if he really is just a "computer geek" for the Air Force after all.  :)

Thanksgiving thoughts

As I sit here in the bedroom, I hear my husband talking to my girls.  He is teaching them the fine art of pie crust making.  Sadly, I cannot make a pie crust.  Not for lack of trying or lack of teaching.  No, I simply cannot make a decent pie crust.

I love the conversations they are having in between the instructions.  I listen to him patiently explain why you have to add certain ingredients at certain times.  I hear their eager responses as they both want to be the one to add to the mixture.

My heart is swelling with contentment.  As the Thanksgiving holiday fast approaches I am thankful for many, many things.  I am blessed with a wonderful house, two fabulous daughters, ten chickens and two mangy mutts.  I have a job and money in the bank.  We are all healthy.  I have good friends and live in a country that allows me to be free.  My family will be together (minus the Las Vegas crew) for Thanksgiving.

As I type my thoughts are interrupted by laughter from the kitchen.  

I think most of all...this year...I am thankful for the man I married.

Maya part two

Here are some of the photos from my last photo shoot.  (I can't believe I'm typing the words photo shoot!  Whoo Hoo!!)

Maya was a lot of fun to shoot!  Her favorite word of the day:  "No".   Once she warmed up to the idea of me and the camera we had a lot of fun running around the playground!

Tidbits

Wow!  It's been a while since I last blogged...I could sit here and list the thousand and one things I had going on between now and October 11th.  Frankly...that would be rather tiresome.  And, since I'm exhausted from doing them the first time around, I'd rather not re-live them by typing them out.

And now on to other fun things...first, my husband made it home safe and sound from officer's school!  Yeah!  I'm so glad to have another adult around the house.  Being a single mom for six weeks sure makes you appreciate your spouse when they return.  Kuddos to those of you out there that single parent every week!

Second, my husband surprised me last Sunday with a most fabulous gift.  A brand new Mac Book!  I am soooo excited I can't stand it!  He also bought me Photoshop Elements to play with.  I couldn't believe it when I came home and saw the box sitting on the kitchen table.  All I could do was scream, run around the house and scream some more!   I have been hinting that I wanted one for a LONG time.  However, that was one of those hints that I knew would never be truly listened to due to lack of funding.   Apparently he got a nice check from the military and decided to spend it on me!  Have I mentioned that I love this man I'm married to?

Third and final exciting news...I have three photo shoots lined up!  I hope this is just the beginning of a long and happy time of taking photos of people and bringing a little happiness into their lives!

favorite song #456

I have so many favorite songs.  This one is from Rich Mullins.  

Well, sometimes my life
Just don't make sense at all
When the mountains look so big
And my faith just seems so small

So hold me Jesus, 'cause I'm shaking like a leaf
You have been King of my glory
Won't You be my Prince of Peace

And I wake up in the night and feel the dark
It's so hot inside my soul
I swear there must be blisters on my heart

Surrender don't come natural to me
I'd rather fight You for something
I don't really want
Than to take what You give that I need
And I've beat my head against so many walls
Now I'm falling down, I'm falling on my knees

And this Salvation Army band
Is playing this hymn
And Your grace rings out so deep
It makes my resistance seem so thin 

So hold me Jesus, 'cause I'm shaking like a leaf You have been King of my glory Won't You be my Prince of Peace 

And I wake up in the night and feel the dark
It's so hot inside my soul
I swear there must be blisters on my heart

You have been King of my glory
Won't You be my Prince of Peace

my FOUR promises.

Life is all about ups and downs.  There are bumps in the road and points of divided roads (and I chose the one less traveled).  Moments of triumph and moments of failure.  It seems that as I look back over my short life I see more moments of struggle than anything else.  I don't begin to compare my life to anyone else in this world.  I can only look at my 33 years and no one else.  Over my life I have had promises made and promises broken.  I have struggled the most with one promise in particular. 

I have begged this person to give me my promise back.  I have struggled and wrestled with my inability to understand why this promise has been withheld from me.  After two years of this fight I finally gave it to my Abba.  Funny, but this struggle was again met head on at a small group.  My belief in God working through others is renewed and strengthened!   I would not bring my desire of renewed promises to this person again.  If the subject is brought up it would be from God working in this person. 

At church we are studying Exodus.  One teaching mentioned the Passover meal and the four cups and how they are drunk in remembrance of God's four promises to the Israelites.  One cup for each promise.   My attention was grabbed at the word promise.  As I sat there and listened to the promises being read I couldn't get past the word promise.

"I will bring you out"
"I will rescue you"
"I will redeem you"
"I will take you as my own people"

As the promises were read again we were asked to repeat them.  As I said them I began to weep.  There are moments when the Spirit speaks to our souls.  This was one of those moments.  As I sat there and cried the Spirit whispered the promises to me, surrounding me with his grace. 

Carrie, I will bring you out of this...you already have.
Carrie, I will rescue you...I need rescuing.
Carrie, I will redeem you...Thank you Jesus!
Carrie, I will take you as my own...grace undeserved, relentlessly pursued, I don't understand but I will accept

As I was thinking about this promise made to me...it hit me.  Not only did God give me my promise I so desired...he gave me four.

it's the little things

Every month I receive flowers from my husband.  To some (mostly men) this seems like a waste of time and money.  It makes me feel loved and thought of.  (Isn't that what we women want?)  Jake usually waits until the last day of the month to get me flowers...I don't care what day it is...I love getting them!  

Being the good wife that I am, I had resigned myself to fact that I wasn't going to receive any flowers this month.  (Seeing how Jake has no access to the internet or money AND he is 300 miles away, I figured this month, I'd cut him some slack.) 

Friday, during my reading group time, my Curriculum Coach walks into my  room holding a huge box.  It was a white and purple flower box!  My hands trembled as I opened the box.  Inside were some of the most beautiful roses I have ever seen!  Pink, yellow and orange blossoms were nestled inside the box next to a card.  Tears immediately filled my eyes as I read the note attached:  "I didn't forget". 

I am so lucky.

(clear your throat)

Hear ye!  Hear ye!

Let it be known....we are at the half-way point until Jake returns!

Children are still alive...grass has been mowed...lunches packed...dishes done...laundry folded...chickens fed.

Only three more weeks to go!

Oh ye of little faith

I have been up since two o'clock in the morning.  My body has laid in bed, my mind has been racing, trying to go through all that must be accomplished this week.  The cherry on top was the fact that my dogs had a vet appointment today and I only have $90 in the bank as of last night, at midnight.  Let me explain this quandary...

I get paid on the 25th of each month.  Not bad, if you plan and budget.  It usually gets tight towards the last week, not unusual.  These past two months we've been paid on the 20th.  So, one would naturally assume this month we would get paid on the 20th. 

Nope.

So, I've had one extra week of no check.

But Carrie, you remind me, you have a savings. 

Yeah, we DID have one.  Jake took most of it getting ready for officer's school.  (Did you hear that really DEEP sigh I just sighed?)

So, I'm back to no money and a vet appointment.  I decide that I'm gonna have to reschedule.  When?  I have no idea.  So, I get up out of bed, fix some coffee, grab the calendar and phone and look up the vet's number.  Something, rather someone, prompts me to look at my bank again.  I do so knowing how futile this was going to be and I would only further my depression by looking.  But, the feeling would not go away so, I looked up my account online.

HOLY COW!  Where did that money come from?!  The Air Force paid Jake?!  Today?!  But the Air Force only pays Jake on the 15th and 30th of every month.  Unless I'm Rip Van Winkle, it's neither of those days.

I cry.  I praise my God.  I cry some more.

I guess the military does answer to a higher power.

Now, I'm at peace and the dogs will get their shots. 

Thanks Abba.

okay God...lead the way!

So I've been meeting with group of women for over a year now.  I love my small group very much.  However, it's exactly that...small.  For sometime now I've been feeling the tug to talk to my friends and share exactly what is on my heart.  Basically what I said was, "What we have is good, but I think we can be better."

I decided to take the plunge and share with them my thoughts on opening up our small group to women God lays on our hearts.  I can already think of a few.  I felt myself grow nervous as I laid before them my idea on expanding our group.  I held my breath as I looked at them.  What I saw in their eyes and on their faces caused my heart to beat a thousand times faster!  They too agreed that we need to open our hearts and our group to the women of this community.

My dream is a group where people feel safe to wrestle with God.  (Thus my name: Jacob's Twin   Hmmmm....foreshadowing?  Maybe?!)  I want women to know they are welcome and no matter what is going on in their lives, they're not alone.  AND, if they want to change...we are there to walk beside them. 

I have no idea how this is all going to go down.  I know what I WANT it to look like, but I am praying God's hand will direct all of this madness.  I just need to keep pointing to Him and the rest will fall into place.

We have decided to meet on Monday's at six.  The topic of conversation will vary.  We are going to start with "What does the Bible have to say about..." and let the women fill in the blanks.  Then, we'll pick a topic, wrestle with it, ask questions, answer a few and then close with a prayer time.  As I type this is sounds too crazy and unorganized.  Who can work in this mess?!  Hopefully God will choose to!

I'll keep you posted.

The ice cream man

I love fall weather! During this season, I can open my windows and feel the cool breeze as it blows through my house. The downside to opening my house is that you hear every single sound emitted outside.

Everyday around four o'clock a familiar sound fills my house. It starts off as a distant whisper and soon becomes so loud you feel as though whatever is making the noise is there, right beside you, in the house! What is that sound you ask?

The ice cream man!

The music that is blared from his loudspeakers is so horrendous, it cause small animals and children to hide. The screeching, grating "da-dah, dum, dee, dum" that is repeated over and over and over makes the listener wish their ears would fall off! Then as the music takes a pause there is an automated voice that calls out, "Hello!" And then we listeners are off on another round of, for lack of better terms, a musical serenade.

Not only does he play this music, driving 5 miles an hour through our neighborhood, oh no my friend...he stops right in front of my house and sits for 4 or 5 minutes. It's like he knows the torment I experience as he parks himself in front of my house. Honestly, I know he's hoping Emma and Abbie will purchase an ice cream. And as they stop playing (for how can one play with such racket attacking the ears?) to stare at his truck, then glance at me, then back at the truck, then back at me. I know they are wishing and hoping, that today will be the day mom says "yes" to ice cream. I can feel their unified thought as it crosses the yard and encircles me, "Come on mom, it's only $3.00 an ice cream cone! Don't you love us? The other kids are doing it!"

I just shake my head and walk back into the house. Not on your life ice cream man!

Not on your life.

My daughter....the genus

I have two dogs. Tallulah and Tucker. I love my dogs, I really do. However, they both have habits that are a tad irritating. Tallulah is a digger. Tucker is a chewer.

I have the most beautiful flower bed in front of my house. Jake and I worked REALLY hard on it. We found plants we both like. We spent a couple of hours tilling the ground, laying weed paper down and planting flowers. Jake made several trips to the store, bringing bag after bag after bag of mulch. The next day we left Tallulah outside while we went to church. When we came back there were holes everywhere in my little flower garden. I could have ripped her paws off I was so mad!

Tucker, like I said, is my chewer. (Now granted, he is a puppy, so hopefully this too shall pass.) Normally during the day I leave him in my guest bathroom. Over the past week, he has performed several amazing feats. If I have anything on my counter top (that's right counter top) he can leap up, pull it down and eat it. I've never caught him in the act of pulling things down. But unless he is having some unseen help while we're gone, I have no explanation of how he is reaching the items on my counter top. He has also managed to nose his way into the cabinets below and pull out all my towels. Yesterday he pulled them out, peed on them and then rolled around in his pee. Argh!

The last straw was as I was bending down to pick up the trash, he somehow managed to get a hold of (from the top of the toilet), I noticed the bottom of my cabinet had been chewed! CHEWED! That was it!

I can handle the trash, I can wash the towels, I can wipe up pee, I can give him a bath. I don't even mind cleaning the bathroom more than once a week. (okay, I mind but it sounded good didn't it?) But, chewing on the furniture that is really hard to replace...that's the end to happy puppy days in the bathroom.

I found the chewed section of my cabinet this afternoon before soccer practice. I took the girls to practice and thought all practice long what I could do for Tucker. I had elaborate schemes of building Tucker a pen outside. I even debated putting him in the chicken pen (only for like three seconds). I could not figure out what I was going to do. Finally I had a thought! What if I attached a rope to the clothes line with a carabeaner? That way he could run the whole length of the yard and still have the deck to run under.

Yes! It just might work!

Ummm....where would I get the rope?

Dang it!

As I was stomping around the house, looking for the rope, growling because I couldn't find any. Abbie pipped up with her thoughts. This is how the conversation went down.

"Hey mom, what about the rope on the front porch?"

"Not now Abbie! I have to find rope! Quit bothering me and go take your shower!"

She just rolled her eyes and went upstairs.

I continued stomping around for quite a while. (The time will remain a mystery for fear of embarrassing myself in the future.) Finally it hit me! The rope on the front porch...it just might work! And it did!

I walked back into the house and saw her sitting on the couch. "Abbie honey, you're a genus".
She just grinned and said, "I know."

And so humble too.

Six more Mondays

Jake left this morning.

He will be gone for six weeks.

That's 42 days.

Forty-two L...O...N...G days.

I prefer to think of it as six more Mondays.

Seems shorter if I say it that way.

My red bracelet

This is my red bracelet. I love my red bracelet! I love that it's red. I love that it has gold flecks in it. I love that it was hand made by an artist in South Carolina. I love that I'm the only person I know that has one. (I'm sure there are other people out there with the same bracelet, however it is fun to pretend this is a one of a kind). I think the reason I love it the most is because my husband brought it back to me. He thought of me, he bought it and gave it to me.

Happy sigh.

Clingmans dome

Yesterday my family and I went to the highest point in Tennessee. It was a perfect day! The weather was in the 50s (up on the mountain), the sun was out, it wasn't too crowded (for a holiday weekend) and my whole family was together and in good spirits! Here is a picture of the trip.

Jake leaves on one week for officer's boot camp. He will be gone for six whole weeks. I'm glad we got to spend such a perfect day together, on top of a mountain.

Miss E

Here are some of my favorite pictures from my photo shoot with Miss Elliott!

entering into Exodus

At Crossings (my church) we are entering into the story of Exodus. Today was a foundational lesson, a precursor to what is coming. As Mark, our lead teacher, was speaking, I had this overwhelming sense that God was gonna start moving my cars. Meaning, He was going to rearrange my way of thinking. I became scared and excited all at the same time. I guess I should mention that in two weeks my husband leaves for officer's boot camp. The last time my husband left for boot camp, God did some pretty cool things in my life. So, the fact that we are starting an amazing new series at church and my husband is leaving for a time...is that a coincidence? I think not!

I'm trying to keep the attitude of my arms open wide, what's next Papa attitude. Honestly, I'm scared of being alone again. I'm scared of the unknown. Where is this going to take me? Or, what if it doesn't take me anywhere?

I'll keep you posted.


Oh...yesterday....I had my very first photo shoot for money. It wasn't much, but it was a beginning. I'll post pictures later!

Luck O' the Irish

I have a knack for walking outside, looking down and finding a four leaf clover. Call it luck, call it a gift. Whatever it is, I'm beginning to think it's genetic.

I remember my dad finding four, five and even six leaf clovers and showing them to me. I would try so hard to find them and usually could find one occasionally. Now, I walk outside and BOOM there one is! I too have found five and six leaf clovers. Once I found a four, five and six in one day. I should have bought a lottery ticket now that I am looking back on it. I once found two four leaf clovers back to back in my in-laws yard. My mother-in-law couldn't believe it. She had been looking for them since they had moved in there (six years ago) and had never found one. I walk outside her back door and within ten minutes had two in my hand.

My youngest daughter Abbie has the same gift. She brings me four leaf clovers all the time. This one in the picture is one I found at my mom and dad's house.

Who knew I was so talented?! :)

the joy of the shoot

I've only just begun to take pictures. I can honestly say I know how to do three things well with my camera. 1. Turn it on 2. Point it at something 3. Push the button to take a picture

Don't get me wrong. I know how to do somethings, but I'm slow as Christmas at doing them. But, however slow I am, there is nothing better than looking through tons and tons of pictures to find "the one".

I love taking pictures and my husband is so kind to allow me the money and time away from family to pursue this new interest. I'm also very lucky to have friends in my life who are talented in photography. All of them are very encouraging! I also am blessed to have two children who don't mind being my subjects of interest whenever I catch the itch to shoot.

The more I learn about photography the more I learn I know nothing about it. However, I am learning that there is simple joys to be found throughout the whole process. I love finding a beautiful place to shoot. I love the creativity I am allowed while I am taking pictures. I love the delete button on my camera. I love editing my photos. I love taking something unfinished and making it fantastic. I love the look on people's faces when they see the pictures. I love sharing my pictures with others. I love seeing other people's photos. I love to learn more and more about the whole process.

I preface my entry tonight will all of this because I can't believe what I'm about to type next...I have two photo shoots lined up!

WHAT?!

That's right TWO photo shoots! Touch me twice!!

I have a friend who wants family photos taken next Saturday and another friend last night who asked me to take her daughter's senior pictures. Oh my goodness I can barely hold back the squeal as I type this! Why God is so good to me I'll never know! It's not even about making money...it's all about the joy of the shoot!

small groups - it's a good thing

Tomorrow I begin small groups again. I have the privilege of meeting with four fabulous women every other week.

Our group began almost two years ago. I remember sitting at a Upwards soccer game, lonely, wishing I had a group of women who I could lean on and trust. Women who knew all the gross things about me and still loved me. After that soccer game, I began praying for God to send women in my life who would fit the bill so to speak.

A few soccer games later I found myself walking up to two women who I knew in name only and asking them if they wanted to be in a girls small group. If you know me at all you know I'm not one to go out of my way to meet people. I don't think I'm rude, I'm just shy until I know you. So to walk up to these women and ask them to be in my group was definatly the Holy Spirit working. Looking back, I still can't believe I actually walked up to them and asked them and I still can't believe they said "yes"!

Two weeks later we met at my house and boy was it AWKWARD! There was a lot of silence as I tried to lead and not talk too much. When I think about it now, it makes me laugh because now we can't stop talking. I laugh too at God's ability to put together five people who are so different. I never in a million years would've expected these women to be in a small group with me! If you would've asked me to name five women I "saw myself" with in small groups...they were not names that would've been on the list. (Sorry girls) God is such a strong glue. It is amazing to me how we can come from such different back grounds but still have a commonality that binds us together. His love and grace can blur any line society deems necessary to draw.

In the past, we've struggled with what to study. Because we were all coming from such different places in our faith walk we weren't quite sure where to begin in the Bible. I tried to start at the very beginning in Genesis. (Isn't that where Julie Andrews told us to start? Oh wait...that's when you are learning to sing.) That did not seem to work well with our group. So, thankfully, one girl suggested Psalms. Beautiful! The Psalms were an easy read, easy to connect to our lives (who doesn't ever have a day where you are crying out to God?) and easy to discuss. Looking back...David was a bit whiny....moving on...Tomorrow, we begin a study of the book of James. I'm excited to see what God has in store for us! I have read James many times on my own, but now I'm excited to read through it with my group. It's good to listen to one another and share from past experiences. It's good to hear other's opinions and views concerning the scriptures. It's good to be in community.

Molly

This is my niece Molly. She is fabulous! I think I love her so much because she reminds me of my Abbie when she was young. I love that she likes to wear sunglasses and walk around the house. She has a funny "mean" face. She likes to knock down the dominoes when she's sitting on her daddy's lap. Her favorite animal is the dog - seeing how she has two at home it's kinda a gimme. I think my favorite part about her is her smile. It can light up a room and will cause anyone who is looking at her to smile back. My brother and sister-in-law just moved closer. Now instead of seeing her once a year, I'll get to see her often! I'm so glad I get to watch her grow up! Now if I could only convince my other brother to move closer...

Random pictures....small Ode to Madison

I saw God tonight

Today was a very traumatic day in the Perkinson household. Two of the neighborhood dogs got loose and started roaming the area. They started at the top of the neighborhood and worked their way down. During the course of their wanderings, they managed to kill a cat and leave it's mangled body on a nearby lawn. They ended up in our back yard.

Our back yard is home to our ten chickens. Isabella, my favorite, was one of the innocents traumatized by two ferocious beasts breaking into their coop and attacking them. By the time Jake got out there the chicken yard was a mess of blood and feathers. One chicken lay mangled on the ground while another had severe injuries to it's back. Another has it's leg broken (we think - it's hard to tell on a chicken). And worst of all, Isabella was missing! Jake thought he saw one of the dogs had take her and run.

I was angry, Jake was angry, my neighbors were angry. Animal control was called and we all stood at the top of my driveway waiting for them to arrive and bring justice.

Many thoughts ran through my head. I knew this family from school. Their son is in the same grade as Emma. How could they let their dogs do this?! I'm ashamed to admit that the neighbors and I were not nice in our commentary against these people. I wanted justice...I wanted something to be done about this!

After the dust settled, the man and woman came to our house. She had been crying and the man looked ashamed. Jake met them at the door and began talking. I listened expecting to hear prices of chickens and cost for repair to the coop. My husband began by telling them he understood they did not do this on purpose. That we still had chickens left and that he knew they were sorry. Then he did something none of us were expecting. He looked at the man and said, "I'll tell you what. Why don't we do this...(the man and his wife stiffened ready for the amount of restitution to be given) why don't we have dinner together and call it even?" The looks on their faces are something I'll never forget. The shock of what Jake said, their eyes getting bigger, the surprised tilt of their heads as if they didn't hear him right. And then the smiles. The look of pure relief and joy that came to their faces was priceless.

I'll admit, I was shocked as well. When the wife looked at me it was as if she were looking to see if this could possibly be true. Was my husband truly offering a dinner invitation? I tried not to let the shock show on my face as I quickly smiled and nodded my agreement. Dinner? Sure...that'd be great.

As I was smiling and nodding my head it hit me like a ton of bricks...my husband was a true picture of what being a Christ-follower is all about. Those people deserved to pay for the damage to our chickens and the coop. They deserved for Jake to yell at them for not keeping their dogs penned up. They deserved our anger, those chickens could've very easily been our kids...and yet Jake extended them grace. He knew they'd be hard pressed to pay for the damages. And instead of forcing justice, he chose mercy. I have never loved my husband more at that moment. My prayer is that when I start to grumble against him, God will bring that moment back to my mind. Most people, including me, would've set up a payment plan or threatened their dogs with death. Not Jake, he chose to look at the people instead of the disaster.

So...to wrap up this long winded ramble...This evening, as we pulled into our driveway from soccer practice our neighbors came tearing out of their house to tell us Isabella, the prodigal chicken had returned! She has some scratches on her and she's shaken, but I think she's gonna make it. We ended up losing only one chicken and later on this week, we're going to have dinner.... with our neighbors.

sometimes I just need to be reminded

Plato once thought that when man was created he was created with four arms, four legs and two faces. Zeus was threatened by this and split them in two creating our need to find our "soul mates". This past weekend I had the privilege of spending a couple of days with two of my favorite people in the whole world. I think in our case this body that Zeus split was split into thirds. These girls are my friends and long lost sisters.

When I am with my two friends the world is okay again. My worries aren't that big anymore and I laugh easier and louder. I remember how to hug and say "I love you" without thinking it's weird. These two know I'm unique and love me for all my quirks! And I love them for all of theirs. They know exactly when to speak and when to listen. Their creativity challenges me to step up mine. They view the world differently sometimes and keep me looking when sometimes I want to close my eyes to it all. With them I've been brave enough to try new things. They've taught me it's okay to talk with an accent. They cry with my disappointments and laugh at my silliness. They make me want to be kinder to everyone I'm around. All in all...they make me feel complete. Completely loved, completely accepted, completely okay to be myself and yet it's completely okay to change.

I forget when I'm away from them for long periods of time...it's nice to be reminded.

Some fun pictures with two of my favorite subjects

I took Emma and Abbie around K-town for a good ole fashion photo shoot. Here are some of the pictures. For more go to my Facebook page.

The irony is not lost on me.

The other night I was out with some friends enjoying a nice dinner. Somehow the conversation turned to our jobs. I remarked how I would like to try my hand at middle school. Everyone at the table agreed that I should move to middle school. My temperament and dry sense of humor would do me well in the world of sixth grade. I laughed them off and told them I have no way into the middle school.

You see I really want a position at the middle school where Emma and Abbie will go. In order to get a job there, you have to know someone, be related to someone or you had to have grown up in that community. I was three for three.

One of my friends pulled out her cell phone and asked me if I were really serious about moving. I nodded my head yes and watched wide eyed as she texted her friend. This friend happens to know the vice principal at the middle school where I want to go! Cool! She put away her phone and we continued eating and talking. I honestly thought no more about it until I came home today from my meeting.

As soon as I walked upstairs into my kitchen Jake pointed to a sticky note on the cabinet. "You got a phone call from Kristy. Something about two positions open." I admit I was still in the dark as I dialed the number. As soon as my friend's voice came through on the other end it clicked. "Two positions" Wow! I was so excited as I listened to her tell me she had talked to her friend and her friend had told her there where two sixth grade teaching positions open. I immediately went to History or English in my brain. I knew I could do either one of those positions! I was so happy in my daydream until she uttered four words that caused my daydreams to come to a screeching halt.

"They are in math"

Sigh.

I'm not quite sure what to think. I'm horrible at math. I failed math in high school. I almost failed it in college. I'm doing good to teach third grade math to nine year olds! Really?! Two positions, in a school where there are never any positions open and they are both in MATH?!

Ha, ha God...ha ha.

Now, I'm not sure if I should go to the interview or not...Kristy is supposed to call me on Sunday with more details. Until then I may want to start brushing up on decimals, integers and multiplying fractions.

up on the mountain

Yesterday Jake and I became involved in a very heating argument. Over something that wasn't worth screaming at each other over. At the end of the argument I was in tears and he was walking away. Not good. I suddenly felt the urge to leave the house. I'll admit that at first, my motives were not pure. I wanted to leave to show control. However, in true God fashion he would soon take my impure motives and use them for good.

I quickly changed into shorts and a tank top then threw on my hiking shoes. I was going on a long walk. Up to the top of House Mountain. (More like giant hill but...potato - poe-ta-toe) I was going to take my dog, climb that mountain and show Jake who was in control. I grabbed my backpack, threw in a couple of protein bars and waters and headed out into the wild blue yonder.

Five miles down the road and five minutes later I was pulling into a parking space. My prayer was that as I walked the trail, God would enlighten me. How did our simple conversation go from a conversation to a screaming match? Why did I loose control so easily? How could I phrase my words better so that Jake would understand what I was trying to say? How could I understand Jake better? you get the drift. What can "I" do to fix this?

At first I was moving rather quickly through the woods. I was still angry and frustrated. I wanted answers right away and God was being very silent about the whole matter. I raced past the trees, flowers and bushes. I failed to notice the blackberries, tall grass and small insects making their homes. As the trail became increasingly harder to climb, I found myself pausing for breath. In those moments of stopping I was forced to look around me. I started "seeing" what was around me. Nature in it's wildest form. It should've been chaos. So many different types of trees, flowers, animals, insects and plants. Instead it was quiet. I turned on my iPod and started heading back up the mountain.

As I hiked, I became more focused on each step in front of me and less on what I had left behind at my house. I had planned on figuring it all out as I hiked. Instead I forgot and simply walked. One step at a time to the top.

Once I reached the top, I was excited to see a giant rock upon which I could sit and rest. The view was absolutely breath taking! I sat and watched a large bird soar around in the sky. I listened to the insects sing. I felt the breeze, a true gift from God. While I sat there I realized that by the time I had reached the top, those things that "mattered" didn't matter so much anymore. I did feel the tug to apologize for my unkind words and I did think of a better way to phrase my thoughts so they would become more clear. I still think I'm right about some of the issues. But, for just a few minutes I was able to slow down and rest. Just me and God. On the top of a mountain. Then I hiked back down to the valley.

I think, though, that if we didn't have our valleys, we wouldn't enjoy our mountain top experiences.

The whole story

I guess I should take a few minutes and explain why I chose "Jacob's twin" as my blog name. I can see where there would be some confusion since I have a brother named Jacob and a husband named Jacob. I'm also aware of some werewolf named Jacob. For the record...this has absolutely nothing to do with Twilight. Those of you that know my brother...twins we are not. As for Jake, my husband, there were a lot of confused people back home. Many thought I was dating my brother. (Ewww!) The looks I got when I would say things like, "Jake's a good kisser" or "Jake's really hot". That got some good looks! Funny times, funny times!

Anywhoo...back to the name. It has nothing to do with any of those Jakes. No, to understand the Jake I chose, you have to go back, WAAAY back. All the way back to Genesis. Jacob, son of Issac and Rebekah. The man who stole his brother's birth right, lied to his dad and ran away from home.

That Jacob.

I found my story in his. He was one messy, messy man. I can relate. I too am a messy person. I lie, I take what's not mine, I push people away. I know what it feels like to wrestle with God. And although my wrestling is spiritual and not physical, I know the frustration of walking away with a limp. I am a twin to Jacob. Kinda depressing isn't it? The good news is, the story doesn't stop with Jacob running into the desert. The best part about Jacob's story is that even though he tries to manipulate everyone around him including God, God still uses him. God still shows him grace. God still allows Jacob to go back home and make things right. Jacob is allowed to stay in the lineage of Jesus.

THAT my friends is what it's all about. As messy as we are, we are still shown grace. I messed up today, I will screw up again tomorrow...but that's not my whole story. My whole story includes grace, forgiveness and restoration. I'm a part of God putting his people back together again! I have my place in this story and so do you. One day I will experience true shalom. Until then, I'll stand in the fact that I don't have to have it all together, I will mess up again, I will keep asking questions, I will keep walking (sometimes crawling) in my faith, I will keep wrestling.

Confessions of a schoolmarm

Everyone keeps asking me if I'm ready for school to begin. The answer to that question will always be "NO!"

I am now in, what you would call, "summer mode". I love, love, LOVE staying at home! I love having dinner ready, I like having the bathrooms cleaned, I like having the laundry done. I like the feeling of relaxation I have when I've been at home all day. I love the freedom of going to the grocery store when I want. Who wants to leave all that and go back to time schedules, long meetings, parents complaining, kids acting crazy, and weird government regulations?

Me apparently.

I can't help it. Once Wal-mart puts out the Crayola markers for a dollar something in my brain clicks. (Is it just me, or is Wal-mart putting their school supplies out earlier and earlier?) I start thinking about how I'm going to arrange my classroom furniture. I think about classroom rules, new teaching techniques, old lessons that need tweaking, old lessons that need to go bye-bye and a million other things. I wonder what my class will be like. Will they like me? Will I like them? Will I have any crazies this year?

I love the excitement of getting ready for the first day! The new backpack, the new school supplies, new haircut and most importantly, the new outfit. I love the smell of the paper, the new books, and the sharpened pencils. I love the clean desks (I give them one day to stay that way) and the clean chalk board. I wonder what the school dynamic will be like. I think about my role in the school climate. I make great plans to change my attitude (check back with me in February). Whatever went on last year, this is a "redo". Every year is new!

And then...the children walk in the room and right behind them...reality.

One can always hope that this reality will be better than before.


I'll keep you posted.

Do I really?!

My neighbor recently informed me of a conversation she had with my daughters. This is how it went:

Neighbor (N): How's you mom?
Emma: Good.
N: Are your parents doing anything this summer?
Abbie: No.

Good job Abs! If only they'd stopped there...

Emma: No, dad is the one that is busy. He wakes up and has to have something to do. Mom, she just sits in front of the TV and watches Bones. She doesn't do too much.


OUCH! Thanks a lot Emma.

Reality check...maybe I need to turn the TV off for a while. Apparently my daughters are watching my every move. My guilty conscience tells me I should be showing them more Bible reading and random acts of kindness. Is this what I want them to remember me like? I personally don't think I watch THAT much TV. But, their perspective is a whole lot different than mine. I think tonight I'll turn off the tube and play a game with them. Oh yeah, and maybe I need to have a chat with my oldest about what and what not to share with the neighbors.

New Love

I have found my new love...taking pictures!

summer time

I love summer time! It's a time for me to rejuvenate, spend time with the family and clean! I like not having anything to do when I wake up. Jake is the opposite. He HAS to have something to do as soon as his eyes open. This is funny to me and I don't understand it. I guess it is the same with him. He doesn't understand the art of not leaving the bed or getting out of your p.j.s all day. Maybe that's why we complement one another so well.

As I type this he is asking me if I want to go pick blackberries. First of all it's 9 a.m., second I'm still working on my first cup of coffee. The answer is no.

But, I will help you consume the blackberries later... ;)

June 29, 2010 - The day of baby steps

First baby step: I went to our second community meeting. This meeting was sponsored by the "Healthy Kids, Healthy Community" (HKHC) group. It was a wonderful meeting! There weren't a lot of people there, but there were enough to get the dream going. HKHC wanted us to get together and share our best MASCOT moment. (MASCOT is where we live). Then, they wanted us to dream of what we wanted MASCOT to become. I had so much fun with it! I was paired up with a wonderful woman (whose child goes to our school) and we thought of everything! New schools, new businesses, a new park, a recycling center, a bike path and I even added a drive in movie theater!

We were told the next step will be forming committees and working with HKHC to form a plan. Then the plan will be brought before the leaders of Knoxville and we will see if change can happen! It fills me with anticipation to think of it!


Baby step two: I called a friend's wife who is a photographer. She was wonderful to talk to! She gave me so much helpful advice about everything from which camera to purchase to how she put her website together. Even though I am light years away from doing what she is doing, I feel like I have taken a small step in the direction of my dream. I can't wait to see what comes next! I think half the fun will be getting there...

Random thought

Have you ever noticed how the lightning bugs look like glitter on the trees at night? Pretty cool God...pretty cool!

Now where did I put those papers?

Tomorrow Jake, my beloved husband of almost 12 years, will be throwing himself out of a moving plane and hurtle towards the Earth at speeds that only math lovers can understand. And he's happy about it! You would have to sedate me and push me out of the plane. Kinda how they did Mr. T on the A-Team. There is NO WAY you could get me to jump out of an air plane thousands of feet off the earth, NO WAY!

For his birthday last year I bought Jake a gift certificate to go skydiving. This has been a dream of his for many years. I think it goes back to a bucket list of things he wishes he would've done but didn't. You know because he married me. :) For example and in no particular order: join the army right out of high school, get his pilot's license, buy a motorcycle, buy a boat, become a bee keeper...etc. I wanted to give him at least one of his "wishes".

So, tomorrow I will watch as my husband plummets to the ground attached to another human being, and pray I can find the life insurance policy if need be.

wait a minute!

This summer I chose to teach summer school. The ONLY reason I am doing this is to make extra cash to put towards my credit card. Thank you Dave Ramsey.

I don't mind teaching summer school. It's only four hours and the pay per hour is good. At the beginning of summer school we were supposed to receive $33.33 per hour for 100 hours of work. Awesome right?! I was licking my chops at those figures. I could pay off a credit card AND go visit my brother in Vegas!

I feel I must explain a little BEFORE I begin the complaints. There are two different sects of teachers teaching summer school. One sect is teaching regular summer school with no strings attached and getting around two grand for their month of work. My sect of teachers were working for the Title One summer school. We are getting paid more, however like with all things government there are 18,000 strings attached and a whole lot more required. We have a lot more paper work to keep up with, we have to have parent conferences and we have to stay longer hours on some days. I didn't mind because the pay was so good.

They (my summer school principals) called us into the library today and told us our hours were going to be cut. EXCUSE ME?! Here's the reason why...see if you can follow the government's way of thought.

Every child that is free and reduced (meaning the tax payers pay for their lunch and breakfast, fees and field trips) is assigned an amount of money to them. If the child went to tutoring during the year money was taken from their account to pay the tutors. A fact someone has not thought to mention before. Now we have children with no money and not enough money to pay teachers. There are many teachers losing their summer school positions because there isn't enough money. There are also children being told they cannot come back to summer school (even though they NEED to come) because they have no more money left in their account. Meanwhile we have several people in fluff positions who do absolutely nothing, but "have" to be at our school because the government insists on it.

There was never this problem before the government got involved.

Over the past year, I've really looked hard at our educational system. I have noticed that there are more unnecessary positions, unnecessary tasks, unnecessary actions, and unnecessary spending of money than I've ever seen before! I think all common sense has been tossed out the window! Yet when you try to say something to someone, you get hushed and told you have no heart for the profession. It's because I have a heart for the children (and my tax dollars) that I dare say anything at all!

So...long story longer and one prediction for my ending...I am expected to work many hours for free just because of my profession. I predict that by the end of summer school I will only be paid the same amount as the other sect of teachers.

We shall see....

I have no words

My husband decided to call his parents this evening. He usually talks to them once a week. I usually sit close by so I can interject anything that needs to be told or correct anything that needs to be corrected. Tonight he started the phone call with his dad. Asking the typical questions, telling the typical news of our family. Whichever parent he starts with he always ends with the other. These are the words that came out of his mouth:

"Okay dad. I love you too. (Pause - waiting for his dad to hand the phone over to his mom) Hi Carrie..I mean momCarrmom. Mom! I meant mom!"



Awesome.

I thought he wrote that...

We are singing "Why Walk When you Can Fly?" at church and I thought Andrew Peterson wrote the words. Nope...Mary Chapin Carpenter (Whom I love!) did. Huh?! Who knew?

Anyway...I love the words! Why walk when you can fly? It reminds me of Isaiah 40:31 which says:

"But those who hope in the LORD
will renew their strength.
They will soar on wings like eagles;
they will run and not grow weary,
they will walk and not be faint."

Here are the words to the song:

In this world there's a whole lot of trouble baby
In this world there's a whole lot of pain
In this world there's a whole lot of trouble but
A whole lot of ground to gain
Why take when you could be giving
Why watch as the world goes by
It's a hard enough life to be living
Why walk when you can fly

In this world there's a whole lot of sorrow
In this world there's a whole lot of shame
In this world there's a whole lot of sorrow
And a whole lot of ground to gain
When you spend you whole life wishing
Wanting and wondering why
It's a long enough life to be living
Why walk when you can fly

And in this world there's a whole lot of golden
In this world there's a whole lot of pain
In this world you've a soul for a compass
And a heart for a pair of wings
There's a star on the far horizon
Rising bright in an azure sky
For the rest of the time that you're given
Why walk when you can fly

Where did the time go?

I have just a few minutes before my family returns from putt-putting. Just a few minutes...time is such an oxymoron to me. A few minutes can be a short amount of time or forever. For example: today when I was working out one minute seemed FOREVER. Now that I want to type my thoughts down and send them out into the space that is our internet, one minute isn't enough time. Time allows for healing. Time allows us to forget. (which can be good or bad) I guess it all falls down to perspective.

Okay, so Sunday is Emma's tenth birthday. Ten years! Has it been that long?! I remember my mom warning me not to wish my life away (words falling onto the deaf ears of a teenage girl). That seemed like yesterday and now here I am, 33, two kids and one about to turn ten!

Allow me a few I remembers if you will...

I remember taking the pregnancy test. I remember watching the second pink line appear. I remember sitting dumbfounded on the toilet knowing my whole world was about to change. I remember telling my parents. I remember going to the doctor for the first time. I was afraid the test was correct and I was pregnant and I was afraid the test was wrong and I wasn't. (Weird I know) I remember watching my ultrasound and meeting Emma Kate for the first time. I remember hearing her heart beat. I remember Jake crying as they handed me my baby girl for the first time. I remember feeding her for the first time. I remember sleeping with her beside me. I didn't get much sleep that night. I think I woke up every few hours so I could place my hand close to her small mouth. I was so afraid she would stop breathing...I had to check!

I remember her first word, "dog". I remember her learning to walk. I remember her crying when they put the jelly on my stomach for my ultrasound with Abbie. I remember taking picnics and walks with her. I remember the first day of kindergarten. I remember her telling me about her dream of Jesus. I remember when she decided to become a Christ follower.

There are so many more, I don't have time for them all! Again...time. It goes by so quickly. I'm gonna blink and I'll have five more years of "I remembers". Soon, she will head off to middle school. Then there will be the first date, the first car, the first kiss. Soon, she will head off to college.

I love my baby girl! I so thankful God gave her to me for this time! My challenge: enjoy the time we have together now, save the "I remembers" for when she is gone.

My new favorite song

I have a new favorite song. I heard it on the radio the other morning. It brought me to tears. We all have a song that speaks to us at one point or another. A song that "sums up" our story. This is mine.




The artist is JJ Heller, the title is Your Hands

I have unanswered prayers
I have trouble I wish wasn’t there
And I have asked a thousand ways
That you would take my pain away
You would take my pain away

I am trying to understand
How to walk this weary land
Make straight the paths that crooked lie
Oh Lord, before these feet of mine
Oh Lord, before these feet of mine

When my world is shaking, heaven stands
When my heart is breaking
I never leave your hands

When you walked upon the earth
You healed the broken, lost and hurt
I know you hate to see me cry
One day you will set all things right
Yeah, one day you will set all things right

When my world is shaking, heaven stands
When my heart is breaking
I never leave your hands

Your hands that shaped the world
Are holding me
They hold me still

that sir, was a good question

A couple of thoughts from this mornings service...

First, a quote:
"One 'yes' means a thousand 'nos'"

When we say "yes" to Jesus, we have to say "no" to a thousand other things. No to judging others. No to rage. No to "fairness to me". No to jealousy. You get the point. I've never thought of it like this...


Second, we were asked to think about what teaching from the series "Turning a Big Ship" had the most impact on us. I think the teaching about "Looking Up" would be my choice. Like all human beings I have a hard time not thinking of myself first. I also look to myself, my friends, even society first when I am struggling. I need to learn to "look up".

Third another quote:

"Living a life of forgiveness is intentional." We need to stop "wishing" we were forgiving or loving or kind. We need to start being intentional about what we want. When the Israelites were ready to cross over the Jordan into the promised land, Moses spoke to them and reminded them of all that God had done for them. He also commanded them to remember his words. "They are not just idle words...they are your life" (Deut. 32:17) We need to take the words of Jesus to heart and put them into practice. These words are not just cute sayings to hang on our walls, or put in a greeting card. These words are life changing, life giving words.

whoops...I did it again

As I read back over my posts, I feel it is only fair that I balance them out occasionally with an oops moment or two.

Last night my husband and I were doing the bills. As we continue pounding out the numbers...he becomes quiet and pouty, sullen and distant. My immediate reaction is..."what did I do?" Being the great talker/communicator that he is, he replies, "nothing, nothing's wrong". And like a good wife, I left it alone. Nope.

I prod and plead, cry and sulk (better than him of course), trying anything I can think of to get him to talk. And of course that causes him to walk away from the conversation. Crap!

So immediately my mind starts churning. (This, ladies and gentleman, is NOT a good thing.) I am amazed that the ability and timing of Satan. Truly it is like the Bible says, "like a lion". Well, friend, this lion came pouncing. And I was the clueless gazelle unaware that I was about to get eaten.

Thoughts and fears I thought were long gone came swirling back up into my mind. I questioned everything from Jake's love for me to what if he's cheating again? (I know, it sounds sooo stupid as I type this, but in the middle of the night, when you're emotional...don't judge me.)

So, this morning he wakes up happy and I'm...well, let's just say I'm not happy. I ask him again what is wrong. He tells me it was a money issue and I loose it. I start bawling like a newborn baby fresh from the womb. Money?! Money?! MONEY?! It was all about money?!

I then proceed to tell him all my hell I went through. That was mistake number one. Mistake number two was when I uttered the words, "I thought you were cheating again." The look on his face was horrible.

Dang it!

I am learning to trust Jake again. Along with that trust, I think I'm gonna have to learn what is "normal" marriage stuff and what isn't. I honestly don't know. I've had nine years to perfect the dramatics of "woe is me". I'm not sure what the "correct" reaction to Jake is anymore.

God has done so much in my life. He has changed me greatly. I hate it when I mess up! I hate it when my first reaction is to go back to the pile of shit that was my life and not run to my Abba!
The nice thing about all this is...as I type this I have an overwhelming sense of peace. I know it's gonna be okay. I messed up. I'm a messy person. Who isn't? I'll take my dosage of grace for the day, apologize and try again. Maybe next time I won't be such easy prey for the lion.

parent letters

It's the end of my school year (can I get an amen?) and one of my "duties" is to compile all my parent letters and staple them together. Here are some of the more interesting ones. The names have been changed to protect the dumb:


Mrs. Perkinson,

Jack was absent because he had a dentist appointment. I've attached his note from the dentist.

Time in: 8:30 a.m. Time out: 9:25 a.m.

Jack missed the whole day of school.



Dear Mrs. Perkingson, (really - Perkingson?!)

Sally was out sick yestrday. She was thown up. (nice, how far did she go?)



Mrs. Perkinson (at least this one spelled my name correctly)

Caitlyn has a feaver (that's right fe-A-ver. Is that related to a Beaver?) I gave her medicin. If it comes back, call me. (Don't worry, I will)

And my favorite one of all...


Mrs. P,

Jeff was vomiting and had dyeherea all last night. (umm...T.M.I.) Please call me if he continues. (Again, don't worry...I will)


Sigh.