Listen!

Ever since I've heard of Heath Ledger's death, I've been consumed with finding anything newsworthy about it. It really started to bother me that he died. Then it started started to bother me that it bothered me so much. I don't have any huge fixations on Mr. Ledger, I don't have all his movies, I haven't even watched them all...No, what I think is bothering me is this:He is close to my age, he has a small two-year-old girl, and he wasn't a professing Christ-follower. It really weighs heavy on my heart that he isn't with God. And then broaden the picture to the world at that time. How many others died that day not knowing God? That's it. It's over - final.

It makes one, slow down and take a long look at one's life. And what about those around me. As I go through my day I have this false sense of immortality. "Today is not my day or for anyone around me." Who said? What if tonight was my last night alive. Would I have spent this day differently? Would the things that were "big deals" seem so big. Would I have spent my time exactly the same way?

This seems to be a gray cloud way of thinking. Doom and gloom. A morbid take on life. But I see it more as a filter. This filter can be placed on my brain. This filter could be a positive thing. Do I want these to be my last words to this person? Did I do my best at work today? Did I love others the way Jesus calls me to? Did I just walk through the day or did I dance? Hmmmm....how do other's live without the hope of eternal life? It makes me think of Shakespear (yes, I did listen in high school)
"Out, out, brief candle! Life's but a walking shadow, a poor player that struts
and frets his hour upon the stage and then is heard no more: it is a tale told
by an idiot, full of sound and fury, signifying nothing."

Nothing is right. Nothing is what they had and nothing is what they will get. An eternal life away from the one who knew them in their mother's womb. An eternity away from the lover of their souls. WHy didn't they hear it? Why do some people hear God's whisper and some don't? I know about free will... I know people have a choice... I know they know in their hearts....but why are some people born into families that raise them to know the creator and some are not? Who decides? My heart is breaking, how can God stand it?! How can he be quiet and not speak? Would they even listen? Probably not. It makes me want to stand on the street corner and throw Bibles at people.


Listen.
Listen!
LISTEN!
Oh why won't you listen?!
God is calling your name, gently whispering.
Hurts will be healed, lives will be changed, love will be given.
Listen.
A lap is ready for you to crawl onto. An ear is ready to hear. Arms are ready to close in around you. Gentle fingers are ready to wipe your tears.
Listen.
He's saying your name.
There's no anger, no animosity, no accusations. There is only hope, mercy and love.
Peace is woven into his voice. Joy is waiting to be unwrapped.
Open your ears to your creator!
Open and listen, why won't you listen?!
Hear God, hear his voice!
He spoke the stars into being. He knows their names. He created the world with a word. He created you.
He knows your name.
He whispered it to you in your mother's womb. He whispered it to you as you learned to walk. He whispered it as you went to school. He whispered it over you as you slept. He's whispering it now.
Wait!
Do you hear it?!
Shhh... there it is again...shhh....your name...beloved.


I know where I'm going when I breathe my last. I do not fear death. Do I want to die, NO! But knowing that I will see my Abba and be able to worship him, hug him, touch him! WOW! Sometimes my yearning for him is so great, that death is viewed more as a doorway, a final exit, a curtain call.I can't judge Heath or anyone else that has died. Thankfully that's not my job. But it is my job to share this message with others. The message of hope, forgiveness and love. And hopefully in doing so will help someone find their way back to God.

Isn't that what it's all about?

My birthday

I forgot to say what my wonderful husband of almost ten years did for me on my birthday! Silly me.

He took me to the Melting Pot (one of my most favorite places to stuff my face) and then surprised me with tickets to see Brad Paisley in Concert!!! Let's pause for a moment to SCREAM LIKE TEENAGE GIRLS!!!


Still screaming...



now we've moved on to jumping up and down, oh wait that hurts too much, okay back to the screaming...


now it's more like, "oh my gosh, oh my gosh...you twit you tricked me! Oh my gosh, oh my gosh"


Okay, whew. Can you tell I like Brad, just an itsy bitsy bit? I just want to hold him and squeeze him and love him for ever!

Yeah for husbands who finally listen to what you want for your birthday! Don't worry newlyweds, it only took ten years.

The last word

My dog and I are having a bit of a disagreement. He thinks he is the leader of the house and I know that I am. It's really my fault. I've let him be this way, not really knowing I was doing it until I watched - THE DOG WHISPERER. Friends, my eyes have been opened!

Laugh if you want, but this guy is cool! He really knows what he is doing!

So from watching the show, I learn that I am not the pack leader and that I need to be in order for my dog to become more happy in life. (Someone needs to covey that part to Sam. He doesn't seem very happy with all of this.) I have been taking him on walks, going out the door first, making Sam lie down (okay, forcing him to lie down - he eventually relaxes), only giving praise for positive behavior...yadda, yadda, yadda. And he is doing better. So I think to myself, "Ah Ha! I've done it! I am the pack leader!" Sam even let my friends come in Saturday night without barking and was totally okay with them being in the house. It was great! Until tonight.

I have a group of girls that meet at my house on Monday nights. Sam let them in with some barking, but as pack leader I showed him that was not okay. He sniffed them and then went off to eat some food. I was so happy! I had shown him that I was the boss and he listened! The girls and I sat down to start our meeting. We had a new girl and I wanted everyone to introduce themselves and tell a little about themselves for our new friend. While we were talking Sam went under the table. No big deal, right? He goes under the table all the time. Except this time he lifted his leg and pissed all over the floor.

Sam had the last word.

So here is it Wednesday night, almost 7:00, and I've finally finished supper. Every day this week I have stayed at school until 7:00 or later. (Yes, kids go sign up for the teacher ed dept. at JBC!) We are going through a process at school called SACS. Southern Accrededation of something schools. I don't know or care. I have come to coin the motto: "SACS sucks!" Not only has it taken over my teacher life, it's leaking over into my home life. My own children did not greet me when I came to the door last night. It's like they didn't know me anymore!

Today I was going to leave at 3:30, yes, 3:30! As I was packing up, my partner on my committee came to the door. I immediately knew from the look on his face that the news was not good. So I simply started to lay my things down and follow him out the door and back to the library. Nuts! Part of me wanted to continue packing my things and walk right by him. "oh were you there? I didn't see you?!" But no, the responsible voice in me demanded that I follow Mike into the library where we proceeded to type more nonsense about our school. DOes anyone really care. Maybe George Bush cares.

On a side note, NCLB was resigned. Yeah. Let's take a moment and remember the good ole days of teaching. Where going to the office meant a sore bottom and when the teacher said, "jump" the kids all asked how high.





Okay, back to my first thoughts...

Finally, at 5:00 I left the school. Exausted and hungry. However, we have decided to forgo any house duties and play Clue Jr. with our children.

Yeah for game night!

31 bottles of beer on the wall...

Okay, so today was my first full day of being 31. Not too bad. The sun was shining. I still have all my hair. No new wrinkles. No gray hair (knock on wood). I guess I CAN do this whole thirty and older thing!
Now that I think about it...I was a little tired today. Matter of fact, it's 8:15 p.m. and I want to go to bed. My back hurt a little today from sitting in the chair for a long time at school. And when I sat down on the floor, it was a little bit harder to get back up.

Crap. I'm old.

(SIGH)

Cowboys for Christ

Tonight I went line dancing at a certain country western dance place. It was fun until they strayed from the country genre of music and tried a little AC/DC and Bon Jovi. I felt remenicent of high school. I expected to see Paul and Winston dancing around the floor headbanging and playing air guitar. (love you two!)
During the 90s montage, I was able to look around me and people watch. There were some sad characters hanging out there tonight.
There was the single old lady who sat alone. The single old man trying to get single old woman's attention. There was the single, in her 40s, woman looking for the hook up. There were 20 year old boys and girls, all gyrating certain body parts to the music (ummm....that music was out before you were born.) There was drunk guy and girl, groping and making out - gross! There were the "cowboys" with their big belt buckles and even bigger hats. There was the Inspector Cluso (Pink Panther) in his silk shirt, black pants, and shiny black shoes. (I know before he came he looked in the mirror, pointed to himself and said, "I look good!")
So many people, so much pain. It kinda ruined the moment of fun. Some of these people are there everytime I go. Is this what they do? Is this their church? I felt bad....they all have no hope. Sigh. Maybe I could start a mission for cowboys. Cowboys for Christ?

My husband and the Air Force

So my husband wants to become part of the army of one. Oh wait, that's for the army. Ummm... Force of one?

Anyway, his brother has convinced him that the Air Force National Guard is the only way to go. Jake is, shall we say, a Jack-of-all-trades. He is too smart to stay focused on one thing. He loves to aquire knowledge and is always trying new things. It is one of the many things I like about him. Jake has wanted to go into the armed services ever since I've met him. The last time he mentioned it to me, I had just had our first child. This is how the conversation went down.

J: "Hey sweetheart!"

C: (sigh) "what do you want?"

J: "Well I was just thinking about joining the army and..."

C: "NO!"

J: "I'll get to travel and earn money."

C:"And die"

J: "I won't die. There's not even a war going on." (The 2nd Gulf war started like two weeks later)

C: "Do you love me?"

J: "Of course"

C: "Then no!"

J: "But..."

C: "If you do, I'll be gone when you get back"

J: (BIG DRAMATIC SIGH)"Fine"

This time I tried the "supportive wife" role. Now with promises of money, glory and all that other crap they feed you, he is off to talk to a recruiter tomorrow. Of course the wife isn't allowed to come. At least that's what has been told to me via the husband. Personally, I think he's afraid to take me. I might actually ask a question - oooooh scary.

I have had to ask myself two tough and personal questions.

Can I support him in this? Yes.

Will I be okay if he dies? (did he take out the maximum in insurance?) Yes.

I think God has been showing me that I will be okay without Jake. Do I love him? Of course! Is he my life? No. That has been a hard transition. You see from the time I've been able to remember, I've had this idea that a husband was going to be the answer to all of lifes problems. You need help? Ask your husband. Flat tire? Husband can change it. Money issues? Your husband can help. Questions about life? Ask your husband. Need someone to love you? Get a husband. Need fullfillment spiritually? Get a husband. Need your physical needs met? Husband.

I know that sounds silly. As I write the words, I can't believe them myself. But it's true! I looked to Jake to fullfill all my needs. Then when that didn't turn out so well (I'll save all that for another post) I looked to myself.

Yes, I went from one loser to another.

By the time I finally realized that I am no better than Jake (hard, HARD lesson) and that God was who I needed to look to, Jake was back around with the whole joining of the Air Force thing.

So, long story longer, because Jake is not my end all, I can be at peace with him in the military. Will I be happy all the time? - No way! But at least I know in my heart of hearts that I will be taken care of. God will supply all my needs!

New year - same me, sorta

I have found myself up late several nights in a row. So what's a gal to do? I know! Join the newest fad - blogging!

At first I thought what a great way to convey myself to others. But, do I really want that? I don't know. I may say things that offend. I might say things that will get me laughed at. I may say something profound - okay probably not, but dang it I'll try. All I have are thirty years experience under my belt. So, well see where I go.

Let's see. 2008 - wow! I didn't even bother making resolutions. I'll only break them. Matter of fact if I were on a diet, it would have been broken....ummmm....January 1st at 12:01 a.m. Ooops!

I'm still me on the outside. I look in the mirror and the same old gal stares back. She is getting a few more wrinkles, no gray yet (yes!). Her face is a tad more round and the circles are still dark under her eyes. When she smiles the crows feet streach past her eyebrows. Lines on her forehead show where she's frowned at many a child. There are a few faint scars from the battle of acne (thank you hormones) Her eyes are still blue and still sparkle when she laughs. Sigh...yep I'm still the same person.

Do people actually read these things? Anywho. I'm excited to say I'm changing on the inside! I've wrestled with the whole Jesus issue - I still am. Thus the name Jacob's twin. (Ahhh lightbulb) If you don't get it, don't ask. He is changing me as much as I'll let go. I am very stubborn. Maybe I should've given myself the name "stubborn ass". He is teaching me some very HARD lessons. For some reason I seemed to skip all those scriptures about loving EVERYONE, not just my friends. And what does that truly look like? Yikes...we'll takle that later.

I am very synnical in nature (and I can't spell - so what) I hope that doesn't offend. Seriously people read these things?! I have found I like to cuss. Bad habit, but oh it can be so much fun. Cussing is an art. You have to know when and how to use them. You can't use a cuss word in every sentence. They are the cherry on the sundae. Sorry, random thought. I do that sometimes.
Okay enough for now.