My new favorite song

I have a new favorite song. I heard it on the radio the other morning. It brought me to tears. We all have a song that speaks to us at one point or another. A song that "sums up" our story. This is mine.




The artist is JJ Heller, the title is Your Hands

I have unanswered prayers
I have trouble I wish wasn’t there
And I have asked a thousand ways
That you would take my pain away
You would take my pain away

I am trying to understand
How to walk this weary land
Make straight the paths that crooked lie
Oh Lord, before these feet of mine
Oh Lord, before these feet of mine

When my world is shaking, heaven stands
When my heart is breaking
I never leave your hands

When you walked upon the earth
You healed the broken, lost and hurt
I know you hate to see me cry
One day you will set all things right
Yeah, one day you will set all things right

When my world is shaking, heaven stands
When my heart is breaking
I never leave your hands

Your hands that shaped the world
Are holding me
They hold me still

that sir, was a good question

A couple of thoughts from this mornings service...

First, a quote:
"One 'yes' means a thousand 'nos'"

When we say "yes" to Jesus, we have to say "no" to a thousand other things. No to judging others. No to rage. No to "fairness to me". No to jealousy. You get the point. I've never thought of it like this...


Second, we were asked to think about what teaching from the series "Turning a Big Ship" had the most impact on us. I think the teaching about "Looking Up" would be my choice. Like all human beings I have a hard time not thinking of myself first. I also look to myself, my friends, even society first when I am struggling. I need to learn to "look up".

Third another quote:

"Living a life of forgiveness is intentional." We need to stop "wishing" we were forgiving or loving or kind. We need to start being intentional about what we want. When the Israelites were ready to cross over the Jordan into the promised land, Moses spoke to them and reminded them of all that God had done for them. He also commanded them to remember his words. "They are not just idle words...they are your life" (Deut. 32:17) We need to take the words of Jesus to heart and put them into practice. These words are not just cute sayings to hang on our walls, or put in a greeting card. These words are life changing, life giving words.

whoops...I did it again

As I read back over my posts, I feel it is only fair that I balance them out occasionally with an oops moment or two.

Last night my husband and I were doing the bills. As we continue pounding out the numbers...he becomes quiet and pouty, sullen and distant. My immediate reaction is..."what did I do?" Being the great talker/communicator that he is, he replies, "nothing, nothing's wrong". And like a good wife, I left it alone. Nope.

I prod and plead, cry and sulk (better than him of course), trying anything I can think of to get him to talk. And of course that causes him to walk away from the conversation. Crap!

So immediately my mind starts churning. (This, ladies and gentleman, is NOT a good thing.) I am amazed that the ability and timing of Satan. Truly it is like the Bible says, "like a lion". Well, friend, this lion came pouncing. And I was the clueless gazelle unaware that I was about to get eaten.

Thoughts and fears I thought were long gone came swirling back up into my mind. I questioned everything from Jake's love for me to what if he's cheating again? (I know, it sounds sooo stupid as I type this, but in the middle of the night, when you're emotional...don't judge me.)

So, this morning he wakes up happy and I'm...well, let's just say I'm not happy. I ask him again what is wrong. He tells me it was a money issue and I loose it. I start bawling like a newborn baby fresh from the womb. Money?! Money?! MONEY?! It was all about money?!

I then proceed to tell him all my hell I went through. That was mistake number one. Mistake number two was when I uttered the words, "I thought you were cheating again." The look on his face was horrible.

Dang it!

I am learning to trust Jake again. Along with that trust, I think I'm gonna have to learn what is "normal" marriage stuff and what isn't. I honestly don't know. I've had nine years to perfect the dramatics of "woe is me". I'm not sure what the "correct" reaction to Jake is anymore.

God has done so much in my life. He has changed me greatly. I hate it when I mess up! I hate it when my first reaction is to go back to the pile of shit that was my life and not run to my Abba!
The nice thing about all this is...as I type this I have an overwhelming sense of peace. I know it's gonna be okay. I messed up. I'm a messy person. Who isn't? I'll take my dosage of grace for the day, apologize and try again. Maybe next time I won't be such easy prey for the lion.

parent letters

It's the end of my school year (can I get an amen?) and one of my "duties" is to compile all my parent letters and staple them together. Here are some of the more interesting ones. The names have been changed to protect the dumb:


Mrs. Perkinson,

Jack was absent because he had a dentist appointment. I've attached his note from the dentist.

Time in: 8:30 a.m. Time out: 9:25 a.m.

Jack missed the whole day of school.



Dear Mrs. Perkingson, (really - Perkingson?!)

Sally was out sick yestrday. She was thown up. (nice, how far did she go?)



Mrs. Perkinson (at least this one spelled my name correctly)

Caitlyn has a feaver (that's right fe-A-ver. Is that related to a Beaver?) I gave her medicin. If it comes back, call me. (Don't worry, I will)

And my favorite one of all...


Mrs. P,

Jeff was vomiting and had dyeherea all last night. (umm...T.M.I.) Please call me if he continues. (Again, don't worry...I will)


Sigh.

leap of faith

I live in fear. I'm beginning to notice that most things I do are stemmed from one type of fear or another. Growing up I was taught a healthy dose of fear. Fear your parents, fear God, fear spiders, fear the cars in the road...I could go on.

Now as an adult, I realize I am controlled by it.

In my marriage...
Jake comes to me and tells me he wants to join the Air Force. He is getting ready to turn 33 and they won't take you past that age. It's now or never he tells me.

My first reaction was "NO!" More like, "Hell NO!" How could he ask me to do such a thing?! I had many sleepless nights over allowing this to happen. Fear whispered many scenarios as the darkness surrounded me.

The three most popular scenarios were as follows:

1. Jake was going to leave and never come back. The military was just an excuse for leaving.

2. Jake was going to meet a younger, more attractive woman in the Air Force and leave.

3. Jake was going to be called up to Iraq and shot and killed. (sorry Jake)

I couldn't be a single mom! I didn't know what to do! I kept going and going and...AND in the middle of the night, God told me to let him go. Open the doors to his cage. I'm not kidding...let Jake go! At that very moment, I thought that God had lost His ever-loving mind! What did He know anyway?!

I ended up letting Jake go (with much begrudging on my part - My fist raised to the air.) The funny thing is it's been the best thing to happen to us! It's almost like someone was in control all the time...hmmm....

While Jake was gone to boot camp and tech training, I was in my own boot camp of sorts. I had to learn to stand on my own two feet. I had to learn that my fear of loosing Jake was just that, fear. I was going to be okay no matter what happened! As Jake learned to listen to his commander...I learned to listen to my Heavenly Father. I found that I am a strong...strong woman who has had to learn to trust God in the big and small things of life. I have learned to love my husband again (never thought that would happen). I have learned that nothing...NOTHING can separate me from the love of God - not even Jake!


Small group...

Last year, God put it on my heart to invite a group of women to join my small group. None of these women went to my church. I knew their first and last names and that was about it. I was petrified! One of the women didn't even want to talk about God...much less come to a meeting about him. What if they said, "no". What if they said, "yes"?! Again, fear ran loose in my thoughts. I put off asking them for a long...LONG time. Well, long story short, I asked, they said yes and one year later and a few changes to the membership and we are going strong! I love my girls! They are some of the strongest women I know! I am so grateful that God has given me the opportunity to walk along beside these women! We are getting ready to start the book of James after summer break! I can't wait to see what God has in store for us!!


Now my job...

I've been a teacher at my school for 8 years. I love my school, I do. I'm also very miserable where I am. Out of fear, I've put off transferring. Out of fear, I've stayed in the same place. Last Friday I closed my ears to fear and looked up. I applied for a transfer! I am learning that no matter where God takes me or leaves me, I'll be okay. I know God has good things in plans for me. I hope I have the courage to walk through the doors when they open.

Romans 8: 12 - 21 says it best:
"So don't you see that we don't owe this old do-it-yourself life one red cent. There's nothing in it for us, nothing at all. The best thing to do is give it a decent burial and get on with your new life. God's Spirit beckons. There are things to do and places to go!

This resurrection life you received from God is not a timid, grave-tending life. It's adventurously expectant, greeting God with a childlike "What's next, Papa?" God's Spirit touches our spirits and confirms who we really are. We know who he is, and we know who we are: Father and children. And we know we are going to get what's coming to us—an unbelievable inheritance! We go through exactly what Christ goes through. If we go through the hard times with him, then we're certainly going to go through the good times with him!

That's why I don't think there's any comparison between the present hard times and the coming good times. The created world itself can hardly wait for what's coming next. Everything in creation is being more or less held back. God reins it in until both creation and all the creatures are ready and can be released at the same moment into the glorious times ahead. Meanwhile, the joyful anticipation deepens."

I may not have it all together now, but one day I will. I may still fear what life holds for me at times, but I'm learning to trust. One day at a time, one baby step at a time!

What's next Papa?!

Coffee pots beware!

In my 12 years of marriage, I've owned 4 coffee pots, 5 french presses and one percolator. I have managed to break all but the percolator. I had to give it back to it's rightful owner once they found out I had it.

I really don't mean to break them, especially the french presses. I love my french presses! I would wake up before the whole family on a Saturday morning just to enjoy a few moments of peace. I would grind the beans to a fine consistency, while my water came to a rolling boil on the stove. I loved the smell of the grounds as the water hit them, causing a burnt coffee scent to hit my nose. My mind would immediately go to downtown Knoxville and the JFG factory. I loved watching the water become dark as the grounds permeated the liquid. My mouth watered as I waited those four minutes ready to taste my "liquid gold".

My first four presses were made of glass...my last one Jake bought me was plastic. He proudly showed me how it can bump against the sink, drop on the floor and bang the faucet (all methods of demise for my first four presses) and still not break. He didn't count on the screw that held the screens together.

I am now the proud owner of a Keurig one cup brew master (I want to add "2000" to the end of that statement)! Jake bought it for me for Mother's Day. I was so excited as I added the water to the plastic side of the machine. I danced on my tip toes as I put the K-cup into the top of the machine and pushed the power button. I giggled as I pushed the button causing the hot water to come and make my coffee. I bit my lip to keep from screaming as there was noise, then came the steam, after that more noise and then there was more noise and...nothing. It wouldn't work.

We had to take it back.

Stupid coffee maker.

Abbie

I'm at home with my youngest daughter. She is sick. It's hard to watch your children be sick. You want to make it all better, but you can't. While she is sleeping, I wanted to jot down a few thoughts...

For those of you (I write this in case someone, someday besides my brother reads this) who don't know my daughter she is a hoot!

Abbie has always surprised me. She surprised me at conception - not planned AT ALL. When she was born we were expecting a 10 lb. baby, she was 7 lbs. 14 oz. I expected her to be dark like her sister - total opposite. I did not expect her to constantly cry the first few months of her life. Come to find out she was lactose intolerant. I guess eating a huge bowl of ice cream each night while I was nursing wasn't okay with her stomach. She is tall and lanky (unlike the rest of us), but she is tough. This part often surprises me due to the lack of "padding" she has. She is smart...sooo smart. She is already reading novels and only in second grade. I guess my biggest surprise of all is her heart.

Abbie is the most caring human being I know. Don't get me wrong, she has her moments of self. But, if someone falls, or gets hurt she is the first one there. She loves babies and from the time she could walk never liked to hear one cry. She has always shown great concern for others, even before she could talk. When she was just learning to totter around our apartment, if myself or Emma were crying, she would come over to us and pat us making cooing noises with her mouth.

Abbie is the first one to give something up in this family. She gives to us without asking anything in return. She is concerned for others in this world. She has shown this by giving her money back to God many times with the expressed hope of helping some one in need.

Her sense of humor is fantastic! She is always happy (unless I've just asked her to clean her room) and she is quick to laugh if the situation calls for it. Abbie is usually the one to find the bright side in all situations with quips of, "well at least it wasn't..." or "it will be okay mom, I still love you".

When I think of her a picture of a ray of sunshine comes to mind. She is just that. Full of laughter, quick to forgive and always ready with a hug and kiss.

hidden alarm clock = happy wife

I love my husband, I really do...but something had to be done. Let me explain.

Every so often in our 12 year marriage, Jake decides he is going to exercise. That's fabulous! I love it! I WANT him to exercise. As a matter of fact, I'll even go so far as to say I'll create an envelope (Dave Ramsey) solely dedicated to exercising. This is how much I care and support that he wants to exercise. However, start messing with my sleep and it becomes a whole new ballgame.

My dear husband has recently decided that he is going to get up at 5 a.m. to go ride his bike. I wouldn't have a problem with it except that he doesn't actually leave the bed at 5 a.m. Oh no, he let's his alarm go off long enough to wake us both then HE rolls over and goes back to sleep. Meanwhile, I'm starring at the ceiling incredulous to the fact that he fell back to sleep in .5 seconds (how do guys do that?!)

You see, normally I wake at 6:00 a.m. I roll out of bed by 6:15 a.m. and then I'm up and on my way. When he wakes me at 5:00, it takes me a good half hour to forty-five minutes to fall back asleep. By then, what's the point?

Again, let me reiterate that I wouldn't mind the 5:00 a.m. time if his butt actually left the bed. If I know he's leaving the bed, I can go back to sleep. Instead, I lay there wondering if he's going to get up.

I've tried asking nicely that he not set his alarm for such an ungodly hour. I've tried yelling, threatening, pouting and finally the silent treatment (you know all "good" wifely tactics for getting what we want). He just laughs and grins at me thinking "this too shall pass".

You see my husband thinks that if he ignores me I'll get over it soon. Au contraire, mon frère! This morning was the last straw.


And so in order to have a good nights rest this evening.........





I've hidden his alarm clock.

Movie producers piss me off

I just found out that one of my all time favorite books is becoming a movie! One of two things will happen...1) they will follow the storyline beautifully, awards will be won, many copies of the DVD will be sold and Carrie will be the happiest person on earth or 2) they will not follow the storyline, copies of the DVD will be sold, maybe an award and Carrie will be mad. I'm leaning more towards option #2.

Why do movie producers feel like they have to "tweak" the story to make it better? Obviously the book was good which is why you wanted to make a movie of it in the first place! Rarely is the movie better than the book. Here are several books I've read that Hollywood has seen fit to ruin:

1) Most recently: Percy Jackson and the Lightning Thief I don't think they read the book before they made the movie. I think they read the title, said to themselves, "Hey that sounds like fun! Kids seem to be buying it." and preceded to make a movie that in no way resembles the book. When my nine year old daughter points out major flaws in the movie...something is really wrong!

2) Gone With the Wind in the book you actually half-way like Scarlet. In the movie...not so much.

3) Any of the Twilight books - yes I've read them and yes, I've watched the movies. Sad but true. As a friend and myself watched the last one, New Moon, we made fun of the actors and their inability to speak clearly.

4) Any of John Grisham books that have been turned into movies.

5) Inkheart

6) The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe

7) The Secret of NIMH

8) Any Harry Potter books

9) Love Comes Softly

10) Number ten spot goes to a T.V. series that refused to allow any similarity of book and show to match. The ONLY thing they got right were the names....Little House on the Prairie . Take that Michael Landon!


I think I'm done...as I look over my list a thought occurs...maybe there's nothing that beats good ole imagination. Hollywood can't compete with the images in my brain. Still...as I watch some of the movies...I have to wonder...what were they thinking?!

voca

I have a name for my storytelling!

My friends Tina and Palmer came to stay with us over the weekend. Palmer is an AMAZING photographer and storyteller. They have the amazing job of traveling, taking pictures and telling the stories of missionaries and missions around the world! They get to see first hand who Jesus is to people all around the world. Their mission is to allow their photography to be a "voice to the voiceless".

They asked me my opinion about a name for their work...they threw out two names that were okay. Storytellers and something else that I can't remember...then Palmer said, "voca". And I fell in love!

Voca - vocabulary....vocal...voice...words for those that have none

I looked up the word online and found this: "Voice Output Communication Aid, a device to speak for someone who cannot speak." That's exactly what they are doing! This idea of communicating to others for those that cannot lines up with this thing (for lack of better words) that is starting to wake up my soul! Creating video, slide shows, taking pictures, writing... it's all apart of something that speaks to my creative side. A little voice in me that is growing stronger each day. "This is what you were created for!" It whispers to me. This idea of speaking out...voca...being a voice to those that do not have one.

Even if this is not the path God has for me...I'm proud and excited to walk along beside my two friends as they "voca" for others!

story telling

I want to quit teaching. I want to try something new. I'm not quite sure what this "new" thing will look like...as long as there are no desks, chalkboards or red pens involved I think I'll be okay with it.

I feel as if my life is part of a choose your own adventure book. Depending on what decision I make will lead me to a different part of my story. I think with teaching I've hit the "you've been eaten by a bear" ending. I'm ready to start over with a new story...a different ending.

I think I'd like to tell stories. If you think about it, there are so many stories swirling around us. Lives that go silently by, never noticed, never read, never known. Within these stories are tales of romance, hatred, strength, love, friendship, pain, healing, restoration, faith, hope...the list could go on and on. I think that if we could share these stories with one another, listen to them, enter in to them...we would find each other and ourselves. I think we would find we're not that different after all. I think we would find we're all looking for God. We're all trying to find our way back to him.