whoops...I did it again

As I read back over my posts, I feel it is only fair that I balance them out occasionally with an oops moment or two.

Last night my husband and I were doing the bills. As we continue pounding out the numbers...he becomes quiet and pouty, sullen and distant. My immediate reaction is..."what did I do?" Being the great talker/communicator that he is, he replies, "nothing, nothing's wrong". And like a good wife, I left it alone. Nope.

I prod and plead, cry and sulk (better than him of course), trying anything I can think of to get him to talk. And of course that causes him to walk away from the conversation. Crap!

So immediately my mind starts churning. (This, ladies and gentleman, is NOT a good thing.) I am amazed that the ability and timing of Satan. Truly it is like the Bible says, "like a lion". Well, friend, this lion came pouncing. And I was the clueless gazelle unaware that I was about to get eaten.

Thoughts and fears I thought were long gone came swirling back up into my mind. I questioned everything from Jake's love for me to what if he's cheating again? (I know, it sounds sooo stupid as I type this, but in the middle of the night, when you're emotional...don't judge me.)

So, this morning he wakes up happy and I'm...well, let's just say I'm not happy. I ask him again what is wrong. He tells me it was a money issue and I loose it. I start bawling like a newborn baby fresh from the womb. Money?! Money?! MONEY?! It was all about money?!

I then proceed to tell him all my hell I went through. That was mistake number one. Mistake number two was when I uttered the words, "I thought you were cheating again." The look on his face was horrible.

Dang it!

I am learning to trust Jake again. Along with that trust, I think I'm gonna have to learn what is "normal" marriage stuff and what isn't. I honestly don't know. I've had nine years to perfect the dramatics of "woe is me". I'm not sure what the "correct" reaction to Jake is anymore.

God has done so much in my life. He has changed me greatly. I hate it when I mess up! I hate it when my first reaction is to go back to the pile of shit that was my life and not run to my Abba!
The nice thing about all this is...as I type this I have an overwhelming sense of peace. I know it's gonna be okay. I messed up. I'm a messy person. Who isn't? I'll take my dosage of grace for the day, apologize and try again. Maybe next time I won't be such easy prey for the lion.