I live in fear. I'm beginning to notice that most things I do are stemmed from one type of fear or another. Growing up I was taught a healthy dose of fear. Fear your parents, fear God, fear spiders, fear the cars in the road...I could go on.
Now as an adult, I realize I am controlled by it.
In my marriage...
Jake comes to me and tells me he wants to join the Air Force. He is getting ready to turn 33 and they won't take you past that age. It's now or never he tells me.
My first reaction was "NO!" More like, "Hell NO!" How could he ask me to do such a thing?! I had many sleepless nights over allowing this to happen. Fear whispered many scenarios as the darkness surrounded me.
The three most popular scenarios were as follows:
1. Jake was going to leave and never come back. The military was just an excuse for leaving.
2. Jake was going to meet a younger, more attractive woman in the Air Force and leave.
3. Jake was going to be called up to Iraq and shot and killed. (sorry Jake)
I couldn't be a single mom! I didn't know what to do! I kept going and going and...AND in the middle of the night, God told me to let him go. Open the doors to his cage. I'm not kidding...let Jake go! At that very moment, I thought that God had lost His ever-loving mind! What did He know anyway?!
I ended up letting Jake go (with much begrudging on my part - My fist raised to the air.) The funny thing is it's been the best thing to happen to us! It's almost like someone was in control all the time...hmmm....
While Jake was gone to boot camp and tech training, I was in my own boot camp of sorts. I had to learn to stand on my own two feet. I had to learn that my fear of loosing Jake was just that, fear. I was going to be okay no matter what happened! As Jake learned to listen to his commander...I learned to listen to my Heavenly Father. I found that I am a strong...strong woman who has had to learn to trust God in the big and small things of life. I have learned to love my husband again (never thought that would happen). I have learned that nothing...NOTHING can separate me from the love of God - not even Jake!
Small group...
Last year, God put it on my heart to invite a group of women to join my small group. None of these women went to my church. I knew their first and last names and that was about it. I was petrified! One of the women didn't even want to talk about God...much less come to a meeting about him. What if they said, "no". What if they said, "yes"?! Again, fear ran loose in my thoughts. I put off asking them for a long...LONG time. Well, long story short, I asked, they said yes and one year later and a few changes to the membership and we are going strong! I love my girls! They are some of the strongest women I know! I am so grateful that God has given me the opportunity to walk along beside these women! We are getting ready to start the book of James after summer break! I can't wait to see what God has in store for us!!
Now my job...
I've been a teacher at my school for 8 years. I love my school, I do. I'm also very miserable where I am. Out of fear, I've put off transferring. Out of fear, I've stayed in the same place. Last Friday I closed my ears to fear and looked up. I applied for a transfer! I am learning that no matter where God takes me or leaves me, I'll be okay. I know God has good things in plans for me. I hope I have the courage to walk through the doors when they open.
Romans 8: 12 - 21 says it best:
"So don't you see that we don't owe this old do-it-yourself life one red cent. There's nothing in it for us, nothing at all. The best thing to do is give it a decent burial and get on with your new life. God's Spirit beckons. There are things to do and places to go!
This resurrection life you received from God is not a timid, grave-tending life. It's adventurously expectant, greeting God with a childlike "What's next, Papa?" God's Spirit touches our spirits and confirms who we really are. We know who he is, and we know who we are: Father and children. And we know we are going to get what's coming to us—an unbelievable inheritance! We go through exactly what Christ goes through. If we go through the hard times with him, then we're certainly going to go through the good times with him!
That's why I don't think there's any comparison between the present hard times and the coming good times. The created world itself can hardly wait for what's coming next. Everything in creation is being more or less held back. God reins it in until both creation and all the creatures are ready and can be released at the same moment into the glorious times ahead. Meanwhile, the joyful anticipation deepens."
I may not have it all together now, but one day I will. I may still fear what life holds for me at times, but I'm learning to trust. One day at a time, one baby step at a time!
What's next Papa?!
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