So I had the opportunity to share my "story" with my church family yesterday. Talk about the stomach doing flip flops! Thank goodness for the Holy Spirit and his ability to take over my mouth. (At least I hope He did!)
Sharing with my community has made me stop for a second and take a closer look at things. Looking back over my shoulder at the past seven years I just have to stop and remember to close my mouth. I ask myself, "what the crap?! Why is my Abba so good to me?" Here I am, this mess of a life, and He cares enough to work through all my inabilities to make good decisions. AND, He is allowing my mess to speak to others?! What good can come from this? How does good come from evil? Any kind of breathing human with normal brain waves would have to ask themselves, "what kind of a spiritual Deity would do such a thing?" I would be lying if I didn't admit I am excited to see how God is going to weave my story into the lives of others.
What is it about this God that makes me cling to Him so? Because He picks me up every time. He is there, faithfully, picking me up even before I know I need Him to! I don't always see Him, I don't always recognize His presence.
Hindsight is a beautiful thing isn't it? When I put down on paper everything He has done in my life, I have to laugh. None of it makes any sense. The timing of certain people in my life. The plans that I so meticulously put together, having them fall apart, only to have them come back together - looking completely different - but coming together nonetheless.
I laugh at the way I try to put my cars back in their "order" only to find that not only has God moved them, He's replaced some of them! There are times when I think things will never, ever get back to normal. Only to find out my "normal" is so far removed from the truth that I'm crazy for even wanting them to be "normal".
I giggle at the way God takes all my shit and makes it fertilizer. The way He knows how much I can take and for how long I can take it. The way that He breaks me down only to build me up stronger in Him. He knows when to take and when to give. How does that work?
I'm sitting here at my computer mulling, digging through my limited ability to think and all I've got is one word: love. (not the song...sorry Beatles fans.) No, I stand in awe that for some strange reason, my God loves me.
The God of the universe that spoke EVERYTHING into existence - cares about me and my life. Not just me, but all of humanity.
WHAT?!
Wow!
He created me, He formed me, He knit me together. He takes a special interest in me. Why? I have no earthly idea. And as I'm typing this I'm beginning to be okay with not knowing. I don't really need to know the why right now. Maybe later, when I'm ready for it.
Every day brings a new aspect of God. As I step out of my parent's faith and into my own, I'm blown away at the patience, love, acceptance, forgiveness...the list can go on forever...that I'm finding in my Abba! The more I dig and learn about God, the more I find I know nothing at all! I am no Bible scholar (obviously) I'm just me. And I'm at a place where I'm gonna let my Abba love me. And I'm gonna do my best to love Him back.
Am I gonna screw that up? Sure. Am I gonna let that stop me from trying?Absolutely not!
To sum up all this rambling:
Life for me right now is that fine line between reality and restoration. I know I have to live in the reality right now. But soon restoration will come and reality will only be a memory.
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